Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Is it gross that I floss my teeth at work? I find this to be the most effective way to make sure I floss. My new thing is that I can’t leave for the day until the spaces between my teeth are clean. I HATE flossing. I’ve never been good at being diligent in my flossing efforts. Obviously that means that I’ve had a few teeth cleanings that have turned into blood baths. Lovely. Consequently, many years ago I started flossing regularly anywhere from 2-4 weeks out before each teeth cleaning. You’d think that would turn it into a habit, but even when I’ve come close to making it a habit, I end up giving it up shortly after my teeth cleaning. I’ve made flossing a new year’s resolution before and I flossed daily for about 3 months, if I recall correctly. However, it clearly didn’t last, and when the next appointment resulted in my first and only root canal to date, I promptly issued my floss a cease and desist order.

Continuing on with teeth talk, L and I both had our semi-annual teeth cleanings within the last week and a half. Mine was two Wednesdays ago and one of the issues I raised is my shifting lower teeth. I had braces from 1995-1997 (8th to 10th grades, in case you were wondering) and religiously wore my retainers until somewhere towards the end of college. I only stopped because several friends SWORE my teeth were permanently set. For anyone out there considering stopping and who may also have friends saying the same thing, I ask you, are you friends dentists or orthodontists? Because if not, they have no basis for their claims. And of course in the process of moving 4.5 times over the last 7 years, I have no idea what happened to my retainers. As I sit here typing this, I’m trying to remember what I did with them when I found them while I was packing up my Austin apartment. I have no idea. I know I considered throwing them away but I think the guilt of knowing how much my parents paid for them and how long I had to wear braces to get my teeth straight prevented me from going through with trashing them. I do know that the last time I tried to put them in, it just felt like they were trying to make my whole head implode by way of my mouth.  Here's a picture of my mouth on October 24, 2009:

Not the most helpful since you can't see my lower teeth, but it's the best I could do.  Also I would've gotten closer up, but it distorted the pic a tad too much.  Plus, it's an excuse to look at my dress.  ANYWAY.  Prior to my braces, my teeth weren’t terribly crooked to begin with; I had one tooth that was a little bit out of line, but it didn’t mess up my smile and you couldn’t really tell unless you were looking at my teeth from an aerial p.o.v. Over the last 2 years or so, that tooth has slowly but surely shifted back into it’s pre-braces position. Another tooth is starting to turn slightly, and it’s the one that bothers me the most because it’s front and center. Again, you can’t tell unless I unhinge my jaw and give you an overhead view, and even then, apparently it's still hard to see. I maintain that it feels like the edges of a jigsaw puzzle when I run my tongue over them.  Anyway, back to the point at hand: I mentioned to my dentist (who is AWESOME all the time, btw, but especially because he totally cleaned my teeth for free because he was running late and I was nice and patient about it all) that I was bothered by the teeth shifting. He assuaged my fears and told me they are still incredibly straight, despite how it all feels to my tongue, and that he’d make me a retainer if it starts to really bother me.  This will probably happen.  That means I'll be sleeping in them.  HELLO, SEXY TIME!!  Except not so much.  A note to everyone out there, though: my dentist shared with me that as you age, your lower jaw essentially reforms itself and your teeth end up crowding together.  This is why teenage friends are just totally wrong when they tell you nothing will happen if you don't wear your retainers.  So if you have some, WEAR THEM.  Or if you have a permanent retainer, just be happy about it and never have it removed.

Then there's L.  These are L's teeth, pictured below at our wedding (it only seemed fair to use a pic of him on the same day):

We've known for a while L's teeth aren't bad, but they aren't fab, either.  It's not like he has a snaggle tooth or something; they just aren't super straight anymore.  His Austin dentist asked him repeatedly if he'd ever considered braces (and the answer is not since he got them off in the early '90s).  I have no idea what his excuse is for shifting teeth.  Sometimes I get him confused with a friend of mine from high school, whose retainers somehow got thrown out a train or bus window on a boy scout trip to DC in 10th grade.  (Yes, I had friends that did boy scouts all the way through high school.  They were all Eagle Scouts and not at all dorky.  L was an Eagle Scout, too, which is probably one of the big reasons why I sometimes forget that story isn't about him.)  Anyway, L went in for his teeth cleaning the other day and was told he grinds his teeth.  Apparently he needs a night guard. 

That means I'll probably end up with two retainers and he'll have a night guard. Really puts you in the mood, doesn't it?  I mean can you imagine how that will go?

"Hey, let's french"

"Mosduwnefow"

"What?"

"Sorry- I need to take out my mouth apparatus."

And then the spit-covered retainer or mouth guard is going to have to be removed and placed in a case. 


Anyone else turned on by this??  On one hand, at least we're married.  I would have been mortified if a new boyfriend had ever seen me in my retainers.  On the other hand, marriage does not really make this okay.  Retainers and mouth guards are the oral equivalent to sweat pants and crocs.  Marriage is not an excuse to wear sweatpants and crocs all the time (and actually, let's go ahead and say those are never okay to wear EVER).  The only difference between sweat pants/crocs and retainers is that sweat pants/crocs don't help you maintain your appearance the way the retainers do.  Added point of conflict: I'm a big proponent of trying to maintain some sense of mystery in our marriage, which is why we make sure our bathroom is always only occupied by one person at a time (the idea of peeing or tooting* in front of him = MORTIFYING and unbelievably disgusting).  It's also why I refuse to wear the footed pajamas that he gave me for Christmas in 2008.  I just don't believe you can come back from seeing your wife dressed as either a giant baby or the Easter bunny (moreso the baby one).  So what do you do in this situation?  Right now I'm praying that my teeth will shift back on their own or that a new way to straighten teeth (or prevent further shifting) will be invented so that we don't become the gross couple with mouth pieces who have given up on life. 

*Also, how funny is the word TOOT??  That's totally one of the words that will make me laugh EVERY. TIME.